Archive | Uncategorized RSS feed for this section

Is it worth it? 

17 Sep

         
The most fundamental question to ask at all times in life is “Is it worth it?”. I personally believe this because it sets a pace for the rest of your actions towards achieving a goal or walking away from it. The truth is, unless we believe firmly in what we are about to embark upon we never truly follow through so we ask this question so we can figure out quickly and not waste time taking up something that we will never finish up.  

Time is a key factor in achieving every single thing in life so another thing to go on is “why should I waste my time?”. The bottom line for me is, if we ask the fundamental question of the worthiness of the goal and the answer comes up short then we should at no point waste time with it. However, It’s never as straight forward or simple to come up with the answer so as a business student, I do the first thing that comes to mind: create a pros and cons list. I know, I know, it seems like a simple enough task until you are faced with it and realise how some factors can actually go into both categories then the real issue starts so here are some major tips to help with the process of analysing worthiness.               

Firstly, it is important to understand that since it’s about you, you can never be impartial with the list so the best advice would be to have an impartial party help with the list. Secondly, the mood with which we approach this subject is very important; meaning that if we are overly optimistic on the issue, we will have mostly pros and if we are not as hopeful then the cons will be more. It is key with this exercise that the list be a clear representation of the actual situation. 

  In conclusion, we decide worthiness so as to evaluate if it is worth the time we want to invest in it because time that is ill-spent can never be gotten back and time is one of the greatest gifts that life gives us. 

WHEN IS LOVE ENOUGH

29 Sep

I have looked at you several times and I have loved you for what seems like several life times but I still ask ‘when is love enough?’. With you I will always feel like it is enough, I will always feel ready and most importantly, I will always wait.

I met him a few months ago but I feel like it was just a week back. I slept very late the previous night so it was quite difficult waking up for an early class but still I knew that I had to. I did all the necessary things and somehow managed to catch the bus and then I ran into class like a crazy person. This class was not my favourite course but I could not fault it for being uninteresting and lucky for me it lasted only one hour. Soon enough I was done and it was time to hurry off to another class which I was also late for and it that was when it happened.  He was walking in front of me looking like a fine specimen of a man and sure enough that was when I developed my first adult ‘reachable’ male crush. I watched him walk all the way in front of me not daring to overtake even though I was late, all I wanted to do was watch him move though this was unusual for me I relished every moment of him being in front of me. Suddenly, I began panicking because I realised that though I was walking slowly behind him to watch him, he was going in the same direction as I was, I still kept walking and then we got into the same class. I watched him during the entire class praying that somehow he would talk to me some day and most importantly praying that he was single and ready to mingle like I was. I knew he was the makings of a lingering crush.

Many days past with him on my mind and then it happened… I was stuck in a smaller class with him and I got to pick who I wanted for group work; with this situation, it was important that I played it cool but also very fast and I did all of this and got him in my group. Talking to him was heaven for me and a few weeks down the line I knew I wanted him to be mine. He gave no signs as to what he wanted so I was lost but I was determined to find out one way or the other so I invited him over one night. From the moment he took a step into my house it was electric and I still remember it like it just happened, we talked for ages and I was happy, like real happiness that you feel from every part of your body. Finally, he kissed me after taking so much time he finally did it and the happiness I felt could no longer  be contained. Months went by and all I wanted was to be in his arms, I wanted nothing more than to see him as soon as I woke up and he mumbled ‘whats up babe?’. That feeling was everything for me and at every time that was all I wanted and every time that was what I got. Even when we fought I understood that it was all a step towards getting to know each other and without him next to me I would be inconsolable with sadness and the great absence that I felt.

Today I ask the question when is love enough? It’s an answer that I know will vary for everyone but for me it’s very simple; love is enough when he is next to me, love is enough when he smiles at me and most especially enough when he’s sleeping next to me and looks for my hand so he can hold it while he’s sleeping. For him I would wait a thousand years if it meant that I would get to spend the rest of my life with him. The small things have always meant so much to me and for me the smallest thing he does for me that he doesn’t know means a lot is actually listening to me and making the effort to take it on board. To you I say this, I do not know where life will take us but understand this I love you and I will love you for a thousand more years if you let me love you. You are everything I prayed for and you are all my prayers wrapped up in one beautiful ‘kingly’ bow.

Long Time

29 Jan

It’s been long you saw me,been going through a lot of changes,most of them pleasant and others inevitable but I’m back now and I intend to continue entertaining you with my stories as I always have. Let the good times roll……

SHES IN LOVE WITH HIM

22 Mar

                               SHES IN LOVE WITH HIM

We were high school sweethearts, prom king and queen, others were jealous of us and it always felt like nothing could stop us, we were always together and surprisingly never got tired of each other, it was a love made in heaven, we were perfect for each other. I never bothered when i saw other girls around him, i knew my place and i was steady in it. We finished high school and got admission into the same university but while he was studying banking and finance on the main campus i was studying dentistry and was majorly always in the medical campus of our university. I wasn’t just his girlfriend i was his ‘down ass bitch’, his ‘ride or die chick’, people used to call us bonnie and Clyde but that was majorly at our backs. When anything would go wrong i was always the first person he spoke to and i somehow seemed to make things better, there was no doubt in our minds that we would end up getting married when the time was right for us.

We were like an unstoppable force or maybe we only felt that way in our minds but still he was everything. While in our 3rd year in school, he lost his mum, it was such a devastating experience and his life seemed shattered, we thought that was the end of it and then 3months later his dad fell sick and he died and then he life truly came to a halt, he stopped attending classes and he started failing because he was missing tests and assignments and his first class had dropped to a 2:1 and this worried me. My life seemed to slow down too and i was always tired because i had to shuttle even more often than normal just so i could be with him all the time, i was scared he would do something to himself and i needed to get his school work back on track the best that i could, i had to make sure he ate also, all this made me thankful he had a room to himself and it wasn’t like a hostel situation. I was equally worried about how he would continue with the payment for the next year as i didnt want any part of his life to change drastically, i had to ask my own parents to pay it. He was in a funk for what seemed like a long long time but thankfully it didn’t last forever.

He got back on his feet, back to his life and classes with his sister, i was constantly being his rock and watching over him to make sure that he didn’t slip and fall, it was obvious that he missed his parents so much sometimes but he somehow found strength and managed to pull through every time. He entered his final year and put all his efforts into school that sometimes i thought he didn’t have my time anymore but i dint mind because i knew it was for a just cause and he had worked so hard for his 1st class and i knew a part of him still wanted to make his parents proud. His final exams came and then results followed a couple of weeks later and my baby had finished with the 1st class he so desired. When he was done i felt settled enough to go back to my final year(my course was 5years). He got a job while waiting for NYSC to start and it seemed at the time like a very good job, he always came to school to see me and during exams he brought me food every day but he wouldn’t stay longer than 15mins which was my break time from reading anyways. Final exams came and results followed, i wasn’t as smart as my Jomi but i still was able to finish with a 2:1 and my parents were ecstatic. NYSC came, i finished that and got a good job in an international private hospital and all i was waiting for was for Jomi to ask me to marry him so i could continue my life with him and have his cute babies. It seemed to me like Jomi started to detach a little bit and i started to get worried, would i be one of those girls i read about? And then it came, he came to see me at home and we got talking and he told me he needed a break from us, i smiled and said fine but i was broken but i wouldn’t let him see me like that. 6months later we got back together and it didn’t seem strange, it was like we picked up from where we left off and life continued.

We had been dating for 10years. He had finally gotten a good stable job, he had moved into his own house and it seemed like he was settled but for some reason he hadn’t asked me to marry him yet. I started getting so upset and this time i called him and told him i wasn’t getting younger and couldn’t continue wasting my time like that. A month later i was his fiancé, 3months after our wedding was planned and the date was set. I wasn’t a nervous bride or anything, i was always calm and collected because i knew everything about him and i wasn’t scared, i guess some people think this may be a good thing while others think it may be bad but i simply loved it. Jomi and i were unstoppable and as our wedding day got closer i decided to try for a baby, i wasn’t getting any younger so no point in waiting that was our next step. Finally THE month came and he had a bachelor’s party that his best friend had planned with his brother, Jomi had always been so close with Jire and Tope Hastrop though tope was younger and still in school Jomi always loved having him around and so did i.

Three weeks after his party our wedding day came and i was ecstatic, i was confident and i was stunning. I walked down the aisle with my father and i couldn’t stop smiling, i don’t even remember how most of the service went but i remember my favourite part of My Jomi’s vows, he looked me straight in the eyes with all sincerity and said ‘Zizi my love, you’re my everything, you’re the reason im here today, don’t think ive forgotten you’re the reason for my 1st class, i’ll make mistakes Zi, i may even hurt you but i will always honor you, i will always be yours and only death can take me away from you Zi because without you im dead, ZIzi soon to be Benson you are the air i breathe and i look forward to spending my life breathing you and honouring you’. The rest of the night was history and i always continued to remember his words. I was so happy and to make matters better i was pregnant, i was carrying Jomi’s baby, something i had been waiting for all my life and so i found it puzzling when i noticed the strange calls and texts and noticed that he was going out a little more than normal especially after work hours. A friend of mine told me that he saw Jomi with some girl at a restaurant but i didn’t believe him, i thought maybe it was nothing and he was over thinking it and then i saw it, the text message from her ‘jomjom boo aren’t u coming to my school today, i’ve ordered pizza and chicken wings and ive gotten the movie,where are you?’. I froze with shock ‘jomjom’ ‘abi this chick don dey craze ni?’ where was she when he had nothing, meanwhile jomi had told me he was going out but i stopped him to fix something that was wrong with the gen and so he forgot his phone at home.

I went mad but i stayed calm, who knew what i would do when i was mad, i sure as hell didn’t so i stayed calm, a strength i never even knew i had in me. Days later i couldn’t help it, i called her and i started yelling but then i calmed down and told her our story, i could hear her voice was shaking and she was confused, it was at that moment i knew that the only person at fault was Jomi, she seemed oblivious to the fact that i existed. I curled up and the tears came rolling down while jomi’s vows repeated in my ears. I didn’t tell Jomi i had called her but i was sure he knew. Days later i was home alone and i started to bleed ‘what was happening?’, i called my neighbour and was rushed to the hospital, the doctor informed me i was having a miscarriage, i didn’t cry or shake because i knew exactly why this was happening. Jomi had made me lose my baby, my perfect life had been shattered.

After Jomi found out everything i noticed changes in him. Two years down the line i see that he is trying to change but i also know that she is still in his life, for some reason she has decided not to let go of him and he seems to want to stay there, he seems content living his double life. I have accepted my fate with jomi but with the hope that one day he’ll be all mine. I look up and kola my little boy and he looks so much like jomi, i clean away my tears, say a little prayer and i hope for the best with my terrible situation.

IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG MAN

22 Mar

                                                  IN LOVE WITH THE WRONG MAN

I’M IN SO MUCH TROUBLE. I wonder how i got to this stage, I sleep, wake up and practically breath his name, every night i go to bed I’m itching to call him up just so i can calm down because i feel unsettled when i don’t talk to him, It’s even worse when i don’t hear from him for a whole day or sometimes even more and once we don’t talk during the day i know that’s it, we don’t/can’t speak at night. You see, all this is because he’s probably lying beside his wife and doing only lord knows what and my call won’t help anybody. I know it seems silly to feel this way and then i start to wonder how i got myself into this hot mess with this yummy man, I’m a smart girl and i should know better especially because i used to wonder/make fun of girls in this situation but i like to think my story is different and i like to think i have a better reason for loving someone that’s already taken.

I had classes that day for 4hours straight but thankfully it was in the morning, by the time i got back my bestfriend/roommate had gone for her classes so i was alone and had time to sleep like a baby. When she got back she told me she had to rush to Ibadan with her mum and would be back the next day. After she left i decided to continue sleeping but my phone rang, it was my guy tope, he called to ask if i wanted to hang out soon at some bar/restaurant place, since i was all alone i saw no reason not to go so i got up, took a bath and got dressed. 1hour later i was dressed, made up to my finest and  i went out to meet my ride. I had loads of fun during the ride, the people in the car were so lively and funny(i think some of them were high, minus the driver of course). We got out and the fun continued, I had to thank Tope for inviting me out because i couldn’t imagine how bored i’d have been at home by myself. I had so much to eat and loads to drink so i was friendlier than normal, soon i was giving this yummy man a lap dance in the bar without even thinking about it and i felt so sexy while at it.

The night was fun but we couldn’t sleep there, it was time to go home and this  time i was riding in a different car with different people. As soon as i got into the car i knocked off and didn’t wake up till i got  to school, as soon as i opened my eyes i noticed my phone was with the yummy driver i had given a lap dance to earlier, i asked him what he was doing with it and he smiled and said he was texting himself so he could have my number, i was single so i didn’t think it was such a big deal. The next day he called me we went out to dinner and this kept on for over 3weeks and i knew i was falling for him. After my 3 straight weeks of fun with Jomi, we started having breaks in between and for one whole weekend and a couple of days into the week we didnt see or talk, i was a little bothered but i thought not to over think it and after a while he was back and we picked up exactly where we left off, 2months down the line i was his girlfriend and i started planning my life with him. It all seemed so perfect that i decided it was safe to do so, He was 31 and i was 20 and i thought it was perfect, he had a good job, a house and his own car and so planning my life with him seemed normal.

I hadn’t spoken to Tope in a while and so i decided to call him just to check up on him, we got talking and were catching up when i told him that Jomi and i had been dating for about 4months and i was so happy with him, he went quiet instantly and when i asked what was wrong he asked ‘which jomi is that? Are u alright at all?’ i was so confused and then he went on to crash my world…..Jomi, my Jomi, my baby, my love, my everything My own Jomi was married. I couldn’t believe it, i couldn’t comprehend it at all,i tried to be strong and so i told him i’d call him back, as soon as i got off the phone with tope my phone rang again, It was a number i didn’t have saved but i still just picked up anyways, a lady started to yell at me and told me to watch my back because she’s coming for me and telling me to leave her husband alone because he was the father of her unborn baby and he was responsible for just her, she told me to leave him alone and told me they had been married for 4months, i was so weak, the weekend and week my Jomi didn’t get in-touch he was getting married. It was like all forces of nature were working against me and i curled in a ball and started crying, i wanted to die, i wanted it all to end. I didn’t call Jomi for the next week and couldn’t pick his calls because i wasn’t too sure how i’d react if i did. Finally i decided to have the strength to pick up, i think that was my biggest mistake because after we spoke i couldn’t let go,i was stuck.

It’s been 2years and i haven’t had any boyfriend, i haven’t let Jomi go, i don’t care if he’s married or is now a father to the cutest little boy i’ve ever seen, i can’t let go of him so now i accept my place as his side chick and with constant tears i stay loving him stronger than i did the day before. I know my place with him and i act accordingly but now i can’t help but wait till it’s my turn to have him all to myself and i’m not going to give up. How did i get here? how did i let it become this bad? i don’t think i have an answer to this but i know i’m trapped by my own vices.

GROWING UP

22 Mar

 

                                                     GROWING UP

 

Everyone has to grow up at some point, sometimes we try not to, we try to slow the process but life has a way of making us grow up whether we like it or not. Sometimes it’s funny because we don’t realise what’s happening at the time but it’ll be so stupid if we don’t realise what happened later and work with it. I’ve never seen the point in regretting anything that has happened in our life because nothing that happens is a mistake it’s just a lesson. We all start out innocent, naive and oblivious to the ways of the world and we believe that there’s good in everyone, this isn’t to say we grow up and find out people are bad but that belief is greatly flawed.

 

I started out innocent like everyone did and the ultimate man was my father, he did everything for me and nothing could hurt me because he was my superman but of course that changed within years. I entered secondary school and still thought friends would never stop being friends, enemies will still be enemies (no matter the silly reason), boys majorly wanted to hold hands and maybe if he was bold enough kiss you in the corner where no one was but entering SS3 i realised that wasn’t the case when i started talking to Ak. We always talked when we were in school, over the phone when i got home and we chatted on the computer and so when he invited my friend and i to a party at his house i thought ‘why not?’. I wasn’t pleased with how that day ended and since that day i stopped assuming he was innocent, i didn’t generalize it to all boys but i finished secondary school with a lesson learnt, a valuable life lesson that no school teacher could teach me.

 

I entered university of Lagos with the belief that i was ready for anything that life could offer and i was smiling every morning i woke up to get ready for school. After a couple of weeks, i was allowed to stay in school with a ‘former enemy’, that was my second lesson, friendships are unpredictable. I always wore short skirts and i went for parties, something i had never been able to do and i was ecstatic and 4years seemed like such a long time to me so i planned to make the best of it. I met so many boys in school and then i realised 2 other lessons; (1), i was quite sexy and cute (2), unofficial relationships were the best and lasted the longest. I never really took any of the boys i met so seriously and then an old flame came back for me, another lesson was learnt; old flames are old for a reason, leave the flames in the past. I felt i was done with boys and was on my own for quite a while and then the weirdest thing happened, i met this tall, black awkward looking boy who could sing fire, he was funny too and i thought ‘hmmm why not’, our relationship was brief but it was fun, he made me laugh so hard and i always had fun with him especially when we were out with his friends but then i started to see the parts of him i hadn’t seen before, he had little or no self confidence, it always puzzled me maybe because he sang like an angel and to me is the best there is so how cant he see how much he’s worth but then again i decided to chuck it down to being so sexy he was intimidated, that version seemed easier for my mind to assimilate. I thought ,maybe i could save him and so i always tried gave him money whenever he asked and i tried to be there and show him who he was but still it didn’t work, he was too insecure for me so i got tired of him. I learnt 2 other lessons; 1, you’re nobody’s superman, you can’t save anyone unless he does so by himself or wants to be saved 2,never borrow anyone that isn’t working money or someone you don’t plan to marry..lol.

 

I moved on from that hot mess on to the next one, the next one was fun but the fun was over even before it started and i was out of the country and somewhere down the line that went wrong but ofcourse i bounced back and had fun with this hottie, another lesson; there’s nothing impossible if you really want it. I was on my own for a while and it was somewhat uneventful but i like it, the freedom of being able to scope anyone without feeling guilty was good, also i learnt i like tall dark and handsome(not skinny), and i liked medium and somewhat chubby guys though i never hung out as such with anyone, that was of course until i met Laye, he was tall, dark, handsome and quite buff so it seemed alluring and it was so much fun INITIALLY but i learnt more lessons and incredibly valuable lessons at that;(1), Never ever date a younger, immature guy even if its fun (2) Like i said earlier never borrow a guy money, now its modified, never ever pay for stuff regularly when you’re dating a guy (3), when he lies about unnecessary things he’ll lie about big things,(4) When hes immature he’ll lie about anything to make himself look good and you bad. This of course was my most valuable relationship lesson and i know i’ll never make that mistake again but like i said its all lessons and i never regret.

 

After all this i decided it was time i had fun without thinking too deeply, i met lovely girlfriends and i ended friendships realising that some people aren’t worth the stress and realising that some girls are just mad, even to the point that it seems like they’re possessed by some demons and so you learn not to sweat the small stuff and appreciate the important girls. Months later i  met JJ and immediately i could tell he was different from his pairs and i found that so interesting, of course i wanted to get to know who he was and though my mind told me it was all fun and games i still liked him, he was fun to be around and he was so funny, i always laughed so hard with him and when he called me ‘baby’ i smiled so hard and he made me happy and he knew it but still i didn’t think he was to be taken seriously and i had fun with him and so when it ended i really didn’t have so much regret because i had learnt lessons from my previous experiences and i was able to have fun because i didn’t dwell on regretting anything. I still keep in touch with some of these people and sometimes i remind them just so they can feel bad (yes, i’m mean like that)

 

Not too long after JJ, i met Irede, from the moment i saw him i knew he would be my next boyfriend and i knew i’d be so happy with him but nothing i learnt prepared me for the love i was about to start receiving, nothing i was taught would make it easier to comprehend the fact that someone could love another person so deeply and without reserve, that he could give everything he had to me and still be happy simply because he made me happy. It didn’t take long before i realised that he was going to be my husband, the father of my children and my everything. This doesn’t mean that it has been easy, we’ve been through so many rough patches but somehow we still stayed together, we’ve fought so much i’m surprised one of us hasn’t gotten a black eye at some point (by one of us i mean him) but its been 16months of loving Irede and i want so many more months with the troublemaker that has come to become one of my best friends.

 

Like i explained earlier, nothing in life is a mistake they’re only lessons, lessons learnt to become a better woman, a better wife to Irede. In life we must never forget or regret our experiences because at the end of the day our experiences are what forms us and what we are. I love all my experiences(lessons) and if given a chance to relive my life i’d do it over again and i wouldn’t change one thing about myself (maybe except my pimples).

 

 

The one that got away

20 Mar

                             The one that got away

Everyone talks about the one that got away, they seem to have an idea but not everyone has that one that actually got away or fully understands, How can they if they probably don’t have ‘that one that got away’, the one you saw yourself with and planned your future with…of course man proposes and God disposes but still having that one in your life can hurt especially when you start reminiscing and it even hurts more when even before it ends you know he’ll be the one that gets away no matter how hard you try and it hurts even more so when your story with him isnt one that makes you sad when you think about it. Writing this, my mind wanders to a similar experience, now saying I have the one that got away doesn’t mean im not ecstatic with the life i have presently but still you wonder.

  I first laid eyes on him at a party, at the time I never gave it too deep a thought because i was busy running around trying to get people happy and so I didn’t over think him. I had so much fun at the party that i forgot i even saw him at all and i continued to have fun, when it all died down he finally walked up to me and we started talking, after exchanging names it was like we had known each other for a long time, of course this could have been because we had similar friends but never knew each other. I had so much fun after the party that i was a little reluctant to leave but i did leave after we exchanged numbers. Weeks went by and we didnt speak and i kind of forgot about him, down the line my birthday came up and then he sprang up from nowhere,i was a little happy to hear from him and this started a relationship that i never saw happening in my life, we spoke all the time, he always came to see me, he took me out and showed me a side of men that i never thought existed, you see i had such a great mistrust of men and believed that nothing good could come out of them and all they cared about was sex and taking from you but he was so different i couldn’t comprehend it and a part of me thought he might be faking it but still i enjoyed where i was with him.

It was no surprise when two months after he asked me to be his girlfriend but i couldn’t bring myself to say yes as much as i wanted to, i knew myself and i knew that if i did i would cause more damage than good, my paranoia would get the best of me and truth be told i was scared because what we had was good and it was special. I was never worried or scared about anything with him and it all seemed perfect to me all that he was thinking about was me, all he wanted was me and no girl came close to me, he made sure i always knew that. Maybe this was what made me so comfortable in saying No and still knowing that he’d always be mine. Despite my answer he never changed and he never stopped being ‘my person’. I remember the first day i told him that i loved him, my heart stopped for abit, i had butterflies in my tummy but i knew that for the 1st time in my life i had said ‘i love you’ to someone and it was real, it was pure and i had no reservations about how i felt and this made it even harder for me to say Yes because i knew what i felt and i also knew my previous records with boyfriends but oh how i loved him.

Over ten months went by with me loving him unconditionally and through his dreams and his hopes and wanting to be there when he got there because i knew he was going to get to his dreams but suddenly a part of me started to detach, i couldn’t understand it at all because i wanted to still be there and i didn’t stop loving him but i could feel myself withdrawing to the point where we hardly even spoke and then our 1st big test came my way by the name of JJ and i was so tempted and i started to misbehave and i loved him but still i left him because my life with JJ was so alluring at the time and i didn’t see beyond the fun i was having with JJ. He didn’t need a sooth sayer to know what was going on and he also started to detach himself from me and that was how he left me, left the country without so much as a word to me and he got away from me before i could even realise what i was doing. JJ and i ended two months after we started, it was a weird ending but still an expected one especially to something that was purely for fun.

A couple of months later i did find true happiness but this isn’t to say i don’t still think about him and i don’t still love him but I’m not In love with him. Every time i think about him i thank him for giving me an experience that made me better than i was, an experience that made me ready for what was coming, to me he’ll always be my hero. He’s the one that got away, he’s the one that made me better and he’s the one that fixed me.